My Neurosis

“Its these little things they can pull you under. Live your life filled with joy and wonder. “ -REM Are the things that keep you up and thinking and nervous really worth the trouble? I doubt it. Today was a day where I was essentially trapped in my head. I looked for the release I needed to get around it but couldn’t find it. Painting wasn’t an option right away because it was tough for me to focus. That’s normally what I do. I sit in my “studio” and just empty my head getting lost in the motions of the brush and the mixture of color. I’m always proud of what I have painted. And looking at the hundreds of pieces I have painted I can honestly say that I am proud of myself. I don’t completely understand why I am able to get behind myself painting when I can’t with other things like my writing or my music. But I’ll take the small victories as they come. My disappointment today centered around something common: my inability to separate the fact that others never care as much as

I dream in colors. I dream in red.  -Eddie Vedder, sort of There are days where I am ready to tackle  the world. Days when I am motivated and ready and pumped up for the mystery of the next moment. The times where I am so crippled inside that I can’t move. Those days happen much too often. I think about it sometimes. What is it that makes me so afraid so much of the time? What is it that’s keeping me back? Lets say you didn’t have anxiety. And lets say that you weren’t stuck in your room hiding from the world because its too taxing to talk to someone else. And lets say that today you weren’t too afraid of the scorn and ridicule and extras that life throws your way, the extras that make normal stuff like buying groceries a chore. But you are. You’re anxious n you’re not ok today. Shit is too much to handle. The weekend is almost over and you can’t take Monday not just yet. But even if it was only Saturday something would be messing with you. Someone understands. Even if you d

I’m wide awake. I’m not sleeping. If I could I would let it go” -Bono,  Bad  The Unforgettable Fire 1984 Facebook is fun in the way that you are having fun when your baby nephew is walking on your face. Scrolling through the posts about brunch and weekends and political ideas is not really a nice place to be all the time. But we are lost in it constantly. Sitting in a meeting this morning I noticed pretty much every person buried in their feeds concentrating on the small screens in their hands. It made me miss something but I didn’t know exactly what at the time. Then I started to think. That’s another thing that time has shown me is no fun, thinking. It gives you the chance to see how messed ip things can be or how far behind you are. Did I miss the starting pistol here? Thinking too much gets me down. It eats away at me. Social media feeds that monster too. Sometimes I feel torn in two pieces. Long strips of what used to be me lay on the floor and there I am floati