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I Don’t Care Anymore. Or, Why Do I Care So Much?


“Its these little things they can pull you under. Live your life filled with joy and wonder. “
-REM



Are the things that keep you up and thinking and nervous really worth the trouble? I doubt it. Today was a day where I was essentially trapped in my head. I looked for the release I needed to get around it but couldn’t find it. Painting wasn’t an option right away because it was tough for me to focus. That’s normally what I do. I sit in my “studio” and just empty my head getting lost in the motions of the brush and the mixture of color. I’m always proud of what I have painted. And looking at the hundreds of pieces I have painted I can honestly say that I am proud of myself. I don’t completely understand why I am able to get behind myself painting when I can’t with other things like my writing or my music. But I’ll take the small victories as they come. My disappointment today centered around something common: my inability to separate the fact that others never care as much as I do about things. If you’re looking for a way to guarantee your disappointment and frustration in others hang your hat on their ability to live up to your expectations. Nobody does. And how could they? When you depend on the actions of others you are placing too much faith in things out of your control. That’s a safe way to guarantee you getting both grossly let down but also immensely frustrated and without recourse. You can control your actions. Set your own expectations. Depend on you. Nobody will ever care the way you care. The quicker you accept it the quicker you can move on. I’m constantly comparing and depending on the actions of others. I don’t know why. Acceptance, appreciation and appraisal. The three a’s of disappointment. None of those things are in your control. None of them are guaranteed. And when you base your actions around them you’re held back. Simple. I think too much. I spend too much concentration on what others think. I expect more than I should. It’s a cycle of dissatisfaction and disappointment. And ultimately I ruined my own day. Tomorrow is another chance to get it right. Hopefully I can get out of my own way for once.  If nothing else, I hope I can see the light at the end of the disappointment tunnel and realize that I am the one to truly depend on. And that setting myself up for failure is a guarantee of a tough day. It’s not the difference in my path to work or the shirt I wore. There’s not a conspiracy of consciences working against me. It’s just everyday stuff. I really should learn to deal. And I will. Tomorrow. 

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