Is it worth risking the monster under the bed to get up and pee at three in the morning? That's a question I tried so hard to answer as a child and found great difficulty in. Because of this I have decided to start a business. I can feel you pulling away from me. Hear me out. What is scarier to a little kid than monsters under the bed? Nothing. Sometimes mom and dad can't get the job done checking out whether or not there's something hiding under there. Or in the closet. Your covers will only protect you so much. You need a professional to check under the bed and in the closet and by your toy box. That's where I come in. In a similar fashion to the ghostbusters I will do a thorough inspection of your bedroom area checking for ghosts monsters demons goblins or spirits. Upon satisfactory inspection I will collect payment and be made available for subsequent check in follow ups. If something is found I will dispose of it in the appropriate manner. And last but not least I guarantee my services to the fullest.
That is a service I could really have used as a kid. Growing up I was convinced beyond any doubt that I had a haunted bedroom. Not only haunted but infested with monsters that wanted to kill me in every way imaginable. Some of them even had a checklist going. Side bets with their monster friends to see how many they could check off with this poor bastard in the bed. The fear lasted until I was about nine or so, when I got the courage to check out the closet and bed and pile of clothes sitting on top of (not inside) the hamper. The issue I had with monsters was two fold. One they were scary. Two they were dangerous. There's a bigger issue with them however one that proves much more important. They aren't real. Not then and not now. But my little kid brain invented and convinced me that they were there. And my parents, who once you grow up learn were perpetual liars (Santa, tooth fairy, Easter bunny) could not have been any less convincing. "Monsters don't eat boys who take a bath and do their homework every night". (Yea right mom then why do you wash the pasta and the chicken before you make it?). Parents seem to think kids are idiots but we show them all the time. I needed someone to convince me that I was safe. Ultimately I took it upon myself to see. And then I learned. No monsters. Not under the bed not in the closet. I stayed the fuck away from that hamper but I'm still here so it must've been clear. The point is when I got enough testicular fortitude and lifted back that bed skirt there was no clown doll waiting behind to strangle my ass. I didn't get sucked into the further or end up trapped in the upside down. What happened is I learned a lesson. I learned that I can be brave. I learned that sometimes the shit we build up in our head and heart can be a real mind fuck.
And here is the point of this post. Our minds and memories are amazing. The human brain and consciousness are the most misunderstood pieces of human life. We don't fully understand why we sleep, dream or remember. The explanation is that our brains encode the information it thinks we will need more than other pieces. So that's why I remember that the sorcerers' name in the sorcerers apprentice was named YENSID and that the family in Cujo wasn't home to see their neighbors terrorized by the rabid dog because they were going to Lordship (Stratford) Connecticut. Aside from that we build situations up to astronomical proportions that lead to nothing but more stress than you could imagine. Until you realize that stress is what's making you so crazy and it is the most evil unnecessary thing in the world. Then you can become free. Eliminating stress from our lives is not easy. Stress is ever present. Psychology teaches us that stress on a baby can cause irreparable damage early in life. Stress in an adults life can kill. We exacerbate stress when we build nothing into something. That is accomplished by overthinking, assuming and leaving ourselves unwilling to tackle things. Anticipation can be an amazing feeling. Think Christmas Eve day when you were seven years old. Exhaustive worry is the exact opposite. People build situations into impossible ordeals when they assume an outcome. The reality is we need to take things as they pass and allow ourselves to experience things as they come. Otherwise you're just hurting yourself. Ten percent of the country is addicted to opioids. Many of them take drugs to help control anxiety disorders. I think that some of that number can be changed with taking some of the emotion duress we put on ourselves off our shoulders. There are no monsters under your bed unless you live at 1313 Mockingbird Lane. And if you do you probably aren't bothered by them. What we do have is a new day every day. Each will bring with it a new challenge or two. It will bring situations we have to tackle and surmount. Sometimes we will succeed and feel like we're #winning. And sometimes we'll get kicked in the nuts by life and #fml will be a little more true. But that's ok. Because what doesn't kill you only makes you stranger. I mean stronger.
I have to go though I've got three beds and five closets to check before bedtime.
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