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Going Forward With Grace. Or, If I Could Have My Time Again.

"And to the graduates here today I say DONT GO! Stay home and live at home. It's scary out there. And nobody will take care of you as good as your mother. "
-Rodney Dangerfield


Driving home this afternoon I noticed all the graduation parties and celebrations going on. It was a sunny mild day in New England so proud families and friends took advantage of the good weather to celebrate the accomplishments of four years of hard work. Seeing all the festivities made me think about my high school graduation and my mindset at the time. Everything is a blank page. It's like being on a road without a map (remember those) and though you might feel apprehensive the excitement overrode it all. Being 18 is more than a crossroads; it's an opportunity to condition yourself. The beauty of hindsight is the chance to relive moments with almost perfect execution and action. My choices after school weren't the best. I made a lot of mistakes that I look back on with a small amount of regret. I can sit here and tell you that I am proud of my choices and how I am the person who I am because of them. And I would be colossally full of shit. People say that all the time. I'm who I am because of my past. No shit. I own my choices and my mistakes. I learned from them. Sometimes on the first try. But it's not unreasonable to assume that some of us would like to go back and change things up. Would I have gone to school where I did? Probably not. Would I have stayed in my current career? No. Absolutely not. I would have taken more chances. I would have used my twenties for what they were meant for: self discovery and taking more shots (of tequila or otherwise). So this blog is a letter to myself at eighteen. Sometimes I pull an Evan Hanson (if you haven't seen the play see it) and write myself an encouragement note, a positive mindset letter. It helps to put myself back on track. I don't dwell on what I could have done or what could have been. Total waste of time. What I do instead is reassess my situation and see what my moves could be. I also want people who might be going into the next phase of their lives to hear what someone did and how they got through it. I grew up during a period where it wasn't ok to be anxious. You sucked it up and pushed it down deep so it would eventually become an ulcer. Thankfully today is different. There are more resources and a more open mindset towards the way some people cope. I hope people can get something positive out of this. 


Dear Armand,
It's summer. No more school. This summer you have so much to do to prepare for this next step. Please let people help you. I know you feel like a burden on everyone. You aren't. You don't know this but people worry because they know how much unnecessary pressure you put on yourself. They see it and no you don't hide it well. Take some time for yourself. Go someplace. Take a deep breath and enjoy the moments. It's really not worth worrying so much about those things that keep you up staring at the ceiling. The bad things you're afraid of are going to come regardless. Worrying doesn't keep them away. Setting yourself up for disappointment doesn't make it hurt any less. Do things for you. Trust me. You have to. Take those classes you want to take and not just the ones they want you to take. College is for finding out who you really are: not just the vapid high school version of you that is going to be all but gone by this time next year. Thee next few years will be tough. But just keep swimming, Nemo (you'll get that reference soon). Sometimes you're going to want to be alone. That's ok. You're not being antisocial. It'll pass. And there are people who you can talk to about it. The stuff you feel doesn't make you weird or abnormal. It actually makes you kind of boring because you are surrounded by people who feel similarly to how you feel (yes, even Tony). And more people understand than it seems. There's so much to experience and the stuff you're into now aren't forever. Losing yourself in something besides work this summer is a good idea, too. Florida is a good idea. Thats why it's always in your mind. Buy the paint supplies and no matter how bad it seems it isn't. Don't stop taking your meds and don't smash your guitar in the living room after you stop taking them if you do stop taking them. Trust me on that one it's something you're going to regret. Give people a chance to let you down instead of assuming they will. Put yourself out there. It's hard and scary but it's important. You're going to miss some stuff you don't want to miss. And some of it might change your world. Working isn't what makes you who you are. It just isn't. You're you and you have a lot to share and say and do. You're not stupid. You're not an extra in someone else's movie. You are the star of your story. Do the play on campus. Do that open mic night freshman year instead of when you are already 20. Keep the screenplay and poems and songs and stories. They're not garbage and they will make someone important to you happy later. Remembering them after all that time will be a problem. Most importantly, be yourself. That's honestly enough. Being the clown is exhausting because it's not really who you are or what you're here for. We figured that out but it took forfuckingever. Good luck. 
And remember: this is all just for now. 

Graduation is exciting but it's also scary. So many choices to make and things to do. We get so afraid of making "wrong " choices. Could I have done things better? Sure. But I didn't. And I'm still standing. I'm strong and that's important. We need more strong people that get some encouragement. I know a lot of people who did what they thought they had to. Not much of what they wanted to going on there. If I could get one thing across to everyone its this: we are the driver and we own the road. Everyday you write the book and you have to have your own back. That includes taking care of things that make you nuts and asking for help when you need it. Help isn't something to be embarrassed by. It's something everyone eventually needs. Doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. 

No jokes this time. Because I'm no clown. 



See you Sunday, Nemo. 

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