A New York State Of Mind. Or, Hello I Must Be Going.

"You learn a hell of a lot more by listening than you do by speaking. "

-Ed Schultz

So often I sit by myself as I navigate the world. I look at myself and try to analyze things and actions as they pass. I feel like a spectator on the sidelines of my life in a way. Occasionally I actively participate but mostly I am disengaged and detached. I feel like an extra. Not unlike those strangers you see multiple times and in different places but a stranger nonetheless. 

Sitting in Central Park on a humid Saturday morning I talked with my cousin about our lives. She and I have a good relationship and now in our thirties committed to spending time together regularly. We took the opportunity to get together and spent the day in New York. Often I go to the city alone. If I am being honest I'm normally alone. Being alone affords a sense pf comfort and underneath that comfort a blanket of Neurosis and fear of change. Being around people beings with it a sense  of being out if control and then a feeling of anxiety. You don't know them and a group of people is something that can be overwhelming. Manhattan has a lot to offer by way of immense distraction from the mundanity and repetition of life. There are so many stories to hear and experiences to share in the city; or any city for that matter. There's a magic to New York City that is only magnified by its immensity. When I am able to get myself off my couch and into the wild I am good at going with the flow. It's further indication of my desire, though veiled, to participate in life and not solely go through the motions. There is life outside my apartment indeed but more importantly I am able to battle through my anxiety. This particular morning I learned a great deal. I saw the morning routine of someone my age in a different setting. I saw the huge number of people interacting and going through their routines. I helped someone take the train and subway visiting from the midwest. And I spoke to strangers without feeling judged and that never happens. The big lesson of the day was simple: things are not always what they seem. I'm pretty good at creating a false sense of reality in my mind. More accurately I am great at creating my perception of what things are like rather than finding out what is true. The legend I create in my head essentially becomes fact. For example, I created a vision in my head of what my friends days look like at work. When I actually saw this firsthand I was completely wrong. A lot of the alienation I feel is probably self imposed and fabricated. The truth is most people either don't notice or don't care. The people that do care are what matters, including myself. I listened to stories about a childhood that was not too dissimilar to my own. I heard insecurities and stories of doubt. I watched people live their lives and saw how similar it was to mine, save for a few details changed here and there. It mare me feel not just connected to my family but also connected to people in general. That's a task in and of itself. I never feel connected but rather horribly detached from everything. This morning I woke up feeling good. Refreshed. Lighter (though not literally as exercise still eludes me). My issues are not unique or unusual. My daily foibles affect me but I am surrounded by others, presumably thousands who are just as lost and unsure as I am. There isn't a guidebook for this journey; no Central Park map to lead you to the Friends fountain of life. What there is however is an overarching spirit. There's a large story being told that is made up of millions, if not billions, of smaller stories. We're creating an anthology here. One that can never be read and only told by word of mouth to truly be felt and appreciated. The sun always rises even if obscured by clouds. We all have abs even if they are encased by some belly fat. We all have a story to tell and don't have to sit on the sidelines watching. If we don't tell our story, nobody else will. It's worth it from time to time to hear someone else tell theirs. That's how we learn, by doing and by listening. Hearing a couple of New York stories made me see my life differently. Brunch, the park, the play and dinner were fun. The talk and the chance to see intricacies of another's story was the best part. Things are better than they seem and I am a lot more normal than I thought. These little moments we share are what make the story so compelling. Yesterday was a good day. I never say that but now I'm going to start. 

In the comments, if you're up to it, share something you are thankful for. Something good that happened. I'm interested in your stories too. See you Wednesday. Stay strong everyone.