"I know that this role fits me. I would rather be up dancing than sad against the wall. Who am I to dream of better? Can I be more than just collateral in someone else's battle? Could I be more than just me?"
-Nancy Taylor
Dating websites are weird. They all say that they can give you the best match (scientifically speaking of course ) to jive with your personality. You just have to answer some questions about yourself and give it the time it takes to find someone. Most of them are free and give you the option to pay to get other features like the ability to see that the person is ignoring your messages or more in depth personality analysis to ensure the person had to remember the things they had made up for the prior questions in the list. Dating is complicated on its own. Meeting people can be a very stressful and intimidating endeavor. There's simple things like where do I go to meet people? If I meet someone at a bar is that a meaningful method or at i asking for trouble (probably )? Should I go to the supermarket or bookstores or laundromat to meet people? The latter three are where I've had my most success but when you think about it it is the most invasive method around besides good old fashioned stalking. Take the bookstore. You're literally slowly but surely following someone around as they try to pretend they love to read. If they actually loved to read wouldn't all this shit be on their phone or a Kindle already?? And why is it that they're always reading something we already read in college? I get it that Handsmaids Tale is on Hulu now but give me a break. You read it in freshman lit. Or did you? More lies. The supermarket is another beast altogether. You're seeing that they eat kale and lucky charms. Both sides of the spectrum covered all in one shot. Bam. But then you also see that they take medicine for IBS or something. So now you have a choice to ponder. But it's ok because at least they've gone organic right? Meeting someone at a laundromat is just a huge cry for help. It's Friday night and I'm cleaning my undies. So are you. Neither of us has it going on so let's get together and feel alright. Al three seem fairly safe to me. What makes relationships hard to pursue is the fact that there's so much damage out there. I'm pretty good at being the cleanup person for someone's last bad breakup. And by good I mean that's usually what seems to happen not that I'm skilled at it. I seem to put out this vibe that says if you've had it tough I can roll with it and make you feel safe with me. I'm not asking a lot just give me a little attention every so often and I'll take all your burdens and issues as my own. Getting to that point takes time. And energy. And a little gumption frankly. When in social situations there's a few possibilities. I'm apt to do two things : 1-speak quickly and 2- go into stand up mode. I , like many others, seem to feel that being myself isn't enough therefore I have to be rapid fire funny from the onset. Aside from being completely exhausting it also creates an unrealistic sense of what the subsequent occasions will be like. Nobody can be on all the time. But I don't let that stop me. And it's probably a good reason why I'm horrible at this type of gathering. It's too much to keep up with. You can't be on like that and be yourself and flip back and forth it's nerve wracking. And people see through that shit. Think about that scene in Mrs. Doubtfire, the part where Miranda and Daniel are talking about why he can't have joint custody of the kids. "You always joke Daniel, you can't always joke. " And she's right. It's impractical and makes you look fake and it's also kind of annoying to the listener. Being honest and actually answering is much more interesting and allows them to get to know who you are. Simple but true. Social situations cause anxiety because we also have a desire to connect and in turn place so much pressure on ourselves to make it lasting and strong right away right now. Know why d-bags can go from person to person and pollinate in short order? They don't care and can turn off that self conscious feeling. It's a skill I honestly wish I had sometimes. Not caring is an amazing skill. It slows the anxiety down and lets you adjust to the moment. When I say not caring I don't mean apathy. You will still care about things. You just won't let it run you. You just allow yourself to flow through the moments. Stop allowing yourself to make you the focus. It's not all about you and how you make other people feel. It's about enjoying life and making new connections and sharing these moments with each other. People who can lose themselves in that seem happier. People who seem like they don't care about situations are probably good at either hiding that they're overwhelmed or actually don't care. That leads to an ability to take things as they pass. That ends to less stress. And that leads to being more open to new experiences challenges and situations. So I am going to try to care less about the things that stress me out about meeting people. Stop building it up in my head. The online angle takes away the visual aspect but you still need to be chill and not freak out. Don't give them an SNL monologue. Don't just reach out and say hey either. Saying hey is kind of like asking them to ignore you. You're not even worth a how's it going you're saying. And they say nothing because your message is already in the digital archive reserve file next to the junk emails that were deleted and those pictures you needed to purge to make room for the new Fetty Wap song. Putting yourself out there isn't always easy. But you have to do it to not be alone it's science. Being alone is ok. Isolationism isn't. We're social and need to experience the good and bad of interactions to learn. Communication is key. Talking is only good enough. Communicating is very difficult and very different. But that's for next time.
See you Sunday and thanks for reading. Now get off the computer and live your life.
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