"Too much like his father is he. Never his mind on where he was, what he was doing.
You're wreck less."
-Yoda, to Obi Wan. And Luke too.
I'm not good at letting things go. To say the least it is a struggle. Most people get one strike. If I really like you then you get a couple changes. But for the most part I am one and done. The problem with this way of thinking is it limits you to a very difficult standard to maintain while at the same time limiting the behavior of others and in return depending on them to do the right things all the time. That last sentence has so many issues in it. The first is expecting anything in the first place. What business do I have expecting anything from anyone else? I'm far from perfect and I have made some pretty hefty mistakes. So what right do I have to expect others to be better than me? Short answer is I don't. Longer answer is a little more complicated. My issues with making mistakes come from when I was a kid. As far back as elementary school I would rush through my work so I could go play. I didn't pay attention to what I was doing and I really didn't care because I was going to get the magna doodle before anyone else. If I didn't I would be a silent mess the rest of the day. As time wore on and I got talked to more and more by my teacher for being careless and rushing through my work, this is where the first lesson I ever ignored came: It's not a race. I'm always trying to be first though ironically enough not in the comments section of a YouTube video. Like a dog chasing a car I would fixate on some meaningless thing: a puzzle, a game, the swings. I would then get there and become bored with it because that's how things go. In that moment I ignored another lesson. That lesson is, the journey matters more than the end. Its not the destination but the trip. Focus on now because the end might not be a party friends! I put my concentration on the thing and not what I was doing. It's not like I was a dummy or anything. I was just so hyper focused on what was next all the time I would consistently miss things. At first it was ok. But soon the missed recess got to be too much to bear. So my solution? Perfection. I took my time, probably too much time frankly, all the time. With everything. Regularly one of the last to hand things in. Terrible with deadlines and always pushing their limits. Over checking and neurotic and I began to project it on everyone. I made unbelievably high standards for myself while I made sure the company I kept would expect no less than their best. The obvious question being what the hell is the best for a nine year old? My perfectly imperfect cocoon sheltered me from reality. I convinced myself that I was right about everything and that aberrations would not work. My way was right and you do shit weird. I slept over a friends house and his routine at night was just ridiculous to me. What did I base this on? My routine of course! Shower in the morning? Get the fuck out of here! Now you have a nasty dirty bed. We've been outside playing all day dipshit! I am pretty confident that the alienation I felt then was partly because I was kind of a megalomaniac and expected a lot out of my fellow middle-schoolers. So what does this have to do with letting go I know you're asking. Not letting go limits you just as much if not more than the perfection battle. Things have to run their course naturally. If not things get overwhelming and then life seems so unbearable. You can only carry so much at any point. But carrying loads of guilt or anger places you in the same spot I put myself when I wanted to be perfect. You're stuck running to stand still. The pile that guilt brings, the overwhelming pressure excessive anger carries, the burden of blaming others or yourself for things is simply not worth the effort. It takes enough energy, effort and time to work through your life. Why add extra shit on top? Especially when most of it in the long run doesn't matter anyway? For the longest time I wanted to leave the finance industry because I hated it, never wanted to do it, got into it because it was what I thought I had to do. And I was miserable for the last ten years. Miserable like everything was black and white and there was no music anywhere. My life felt wasted. And for reasons I don't understand I felt guilty leaving it. More than just afraid or apprehensive. Guilty. Which is stupid. I have no children and am not married. Nobody depends on me but me so the only person this decision had any effect on was me. But that's how I felt forever and a day. Until the day came when I came to the light and said, possibly aloud, "What is the point of all this?!" And I have left it behind. As a kid one thing I wanted to do was be a writer for a newspaper. So, I am now working in the media business (Online an print because it's 2017) and so far so good. I took a week and a half off to recharge my mind and get myself ready for a new challenge. It's been a long time since I was able to see any challenge let alone be motivated enough to surmount it. But I am trying. And I am excited. I'm giving myself the room to fail and learn. I'm not focused on tomorrow or yesterday but where I am right now. But most of all, I am trying to let go of my self critique. I have to be on my side for once. Maybe I should listen to that song, from Frozen, the one about letting it go? Just can't remember what it was called...
Note to my readers:
I'm sorry for the delay in getting blogs up but the transition from old to new job came with a heavy need to decompress and detach so I had some me time. We should be back to normal now and ready to share my thoughts again! I appreciate all of you who read, like, share, subscribe and comment! See you Sunday!
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