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Don’t Get Up Until You Are Ready. Or, noon is pushing it.

I dream in colors. I dream in red. 
-Eddie Vedder, sort of

There are days where I am ready to tackle  the world. Days when I am motivated and ready and pumped up for the mystery of the next moment. The times where I am so crippled inside that I can’t move. Those days happen much too often. I think about it sometimes. What is it that makes me so afraid so much of the time? What is it that’s keeping me back?

Lets say you didn’t have anxiety. And lets say that you weren’t stuck in your room hiding from the world because its too taxing to talk to someone else. And lets say that today you weren’t too afraid of the scorn and ridicule and extras that life throws your way, the extras that make normal stuff like buying groceries a chore. But you are. You’re anxious n you’re not ok today. Shit is too much to handle. The weekend is almost over and you can’t take Monday not just yet. But even if it was only Saturday something would be messing with you. Someone understands. Even if you don’t. We all know that feeling. You have that pit in your stomach. Its there. It feels like a rock stuck in your gut. Its the issues waiting for you at work or that talk with your sister you’re putting off like that will make it go away. As a kid I hated Sunday because of school and August because of no more summer. Growing up fall hit hard and fast and there was no denying that school was in session. That’s the kid anxiety. The loss of control of your day. Bedtime is back. Homework keeps you from watching goosebumps and Batman the animated series. But above all the freedom of the day is lost. Saturday in June is the best time ever. It lasts forever and there is nothing but unattached possibility around you. And then ten turns to twenty. Things change. You get responsible for real things. Like credit card payments. And insurance premiums. School goes from the bane of your existence to nostalgic desire. Wish you could go back to college? Have a dorm and a meal plan and a syllabus telling you when everything is coming your way? We all do. Some people get turned on by the twists and turns in life. I’m not one of those people. You never heard me say wow so glad we had a chance to wing it today. Stricture is comforting. But obligations are stifling. Such is the frustration of my anxiety. I like people but I typically don’t trust others right away. I like to be by myself but hate to be alone. I like surprises but only when I know they’re coming. Woody Allen said he reads the last page of a book so that he knows how it ends in case he dies before he gets to it. I totally do that too. Flip to the end of a magazine. Check out the last page of a comic. I’m trying not to miss out on stuff man. I can’t be out of the loop! But it’s ok. We’ll all be ok. Those days where you can’t get up are times to reflect and not just on how bad things are. Recharge. Reset. And above all, keep pushing. 



See you next week. 

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