Skip to main content

It was cloudy on my birthday so of course that means I'm going to die. Or assumptions aren't a party.

It was cloudy on my birthday so of course that means I'm going to die soon. 32 is old after all. Everything is an omen and it all means something dire. For s second though,Let's say that I was a positive person. And let's say that I had an idea of how not to worry. That would be the tops. I think back to when I was a kid trying to organize anything in my room that was numbered. It had to be chronological and complete. Books. Records. Tapes. Toys. Anything. And if something was out of place who the hell knows what would have happened to my little world. It extended into my teens. Did you know I haven't listened to Aerosmith Rocks or AC/DC back in black or Ozzy Osborne The Ultimate Sin because my three car accidents (none serious) occurred while those albums rested snugly in my car stereos. Why would I stop myself from listening to them? The same reason I tore up the shirt I was wearing when I failed my driving test the first time or the red wrist tie I wore during baseball the day I cost Tom Boudreaux a no hitter dropping an infield fly. But I don't know how to not be a neurotic mess. It's my nature. I try not to. And then when I ask people how they get around their feelings it's inevitable that I get someone saying to me quite succinctly and I quote stop putting so much pressure on yourself.

That's great fucking advice except one part.......





I don't fucking know how. If I did I assume I wouldn't have this issue. But I could be wrong. Thing is I'm not. Trying to be positive is difficult especially when you have a lot of things that happen and seem to get in the way. Focus is hard too. Feeling pulled in a million directions is tough. Stress kills. That in and of itself should be enough. But it isn't. In s weird way it almost feels like that kind of emotional duress is attracted to us. I think it's based in anger. anger is the most extreme feeling of fear that exists. It's tied to the level at which you value something hence people you care about being able to hurt you more than some dickhead at Whole Foods can typically unless you're my uncle Albert. In that case it's everyone for themselves and a free for all. If you're on the receiving end I'm sorry and I'll alert your family accordingly. For me I can honestly say that I don't understand how I feel. Emotionally speaking I'm confused most of the time. And the confusion is only compounded when I ask for advice. I never feel like I know what I'm doing. But maybe that's the point. Answers don't seem to matter much anymore. It's about the journey not the destination and all that jazz. After 32 years I finally get what that means. Never did before. But that doesn't make me no expert or nothing. To the contrary I'm always trying to learn and learning to try. So maybe I'm not so fucked it after all. Maybe I'll be ok. All the therapy and the books and the talks and the reflection has paid off! Yes!

Unless it rains tomorrow.



Then I'm fucked.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Do or do not there is no try

When I was a kid I thought I was going to be a doctor. Then I watched the movie Look Who's Talking  saw the scene where Kirstie Alley has her baby and that ended that. I was about six and my mind was very easily changed. From that point on I started to make a lot of choices that I questioned. In kindergarten we had a bear that each of us would take for a week and care for. When the week was over we would give him (the bear was male, I peeked between his legs) something to remember us by like a hand colored picture or a leaf from the yard. The school year went by and I never got my chance to take care of the bear. When June approached and I being fully aware that there wasn't a whole week left asked my teacher, a wonderful man who I think of to this day, why I didn't get a chance his answer was simple: because you get to take him for the entire summer Armand. Now, most kids would see this as a huge opportunity and something to be excited about. I get to watch this bear all ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Find Your Happy Place. Or, Taking Time For You.

"The Best In The World At What I Do." -CM Punk When 2015 became 2016 I made a resolution just like so many others. It wasn't to lose weight or try to stop smoking. I promised myself that I would try something new every month. Not become a yes man with a yes year but rather take one risk or try something that I had always wanted to do. I started out small. Going for a walk in the evenings for January ( yes I know that's stupid to do in winter). Cooking at home in February. Bought a new guitar in march and said I would practice every night like when I was in college and high school. Honestly most of these things have stuck and it feels good to have a new outlook and new stuff to do in my life. The one that really made me feel different was June. That's when I began to paint.  I put this piece together and I haven't been able to stop since. Painting is something I had wanted to try for the longest time (oh oh oh oh for the longest time) but had never...
Post a Comment
Read more

Everybody hurts. Or Don't Hideout in Your Hobbit Hole

The other day I had lunch with a friend of mine. She was talking about how she feels like she's treading water and swimming in circles all at the same time. Her life doesn't feel like it has purpose and she wants to run away from where she is. I listened to her as she told me her issues and concerns and if I'm being honest I feel a lot of the same things she does. I feel like giving up hope just as she told me she does. I have felt like my life was a rich full fucking waster and that what I do is meaningless. But I also realized that most people seem to feel that way. Everybody hurts and that kind of sucks. I prefer to think that it's a select few but the more I talk to others the more I realize that life just kind of sucks all the time and there are random dashes of pleasure sprinkled in between. As wonderful as that all sounds there is a glimmer of hope. Hope that we shouldn't let go of. Hope that we need to cling to but not in the white knuckled kind of way like...
Post a Comment
Read more