Skip to main content

It was cloudy on my birthday so of course that means I'm going to die. Or assumptions aren't a party.

It was cloudy on my birthday so of course that means I'm going to die soon. 32 is old after all. Everything is an omen and it all means something dire. For s second though,Let's say that I was a positive person. And let's say that I had an idea of how not to worry. That would be the tops. I think back to when I was a kid trying to organize anything in my room that was numbered. It had to be chronological and complete. Books. Records. Tapes. Toys. Anything. And if something was out of place who the hell knows what would have happened to my little world. It extended into my teens. Did you know I haven't listened to Aerosmith Rocks or AC/DC back in black or Ozzy Osborne The Ultimate Sin because my three car accidents (none serious) occurred while those albums rested snugly in my car stereos. Why would I stop myself from listening to them? The same reason I tore up the shirt I was wearing when I failed my driving test the first time or the red wrist tie I wore during baseball the day I cost Tom Boudreaux a no hitter dropping an infield fly. But I don't know how to not be a neurotic mess. It's my nature. I try not to. And then when I ask people how they get around their feelings it's inevitable that I get someone saying to me quite succinctly and I quote stop putting so much pressure on yourself.

That's great fucking advice except one part.......





I don't fucking know how. If I did I assume I wouldn't have this issue. But I could be wrong. Thing is I'm not. Trying to be positive is difficult especially when you have a lot of things that happen and seem to get in the way. Focus is hard too. Feeling pulled in a million directions is tough. Stress kills. That in and of itself should be enough. But it isn't. In s weird way it almost feels like that kind of emotional duress is attracted to us. I think it's based in anger. anger is the most extreme feeling of fear that exists. It's tied to the level at which you value something hence people you care about being able to hurt you more than some dickhead at Whole Foods can typically unless you're my uncle Albert. In that case it's everyone for themselves and a free for all. If you're on the receiving end I'm sorry and I'll alert your family accordingly. For me I can honestly say that I don't understand how I feel. Emotionally speaking I'm confused most of the time. And the confusion is only compounded when I ask for advice. I never feel like I know what I'm doing. But maybe that's the point. Answers don't seem to matter much anymore. It's about the journey not the destination and all that jazz. After 32 years I finally get what that means. Never did before. But that doesn't make me no expert or nothing. To the contrary I'm always trying to learn and learning to try. So maybe I'm not so fucked it after all. Maybe I'll be ok. All the therapy and the books and the talks and the reflection has paid off! Yes!

Unless it rains tomorrow.



Then I'm fucked.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

You Are Not Alone or There's Life Outside Your Apartment

If nothing else, life has taught me this: always measure. Trying to eye it will never work the way you want it to. Ever. That's just how it is. Apparently that's why they invented the tape measure in the first place. But what do I know I'm just a kid from Trumbull. I'm no philosophical genius. What I do know is I tried to get a huge couch up a flight if stairs about the size of a drain pipe and made it somehow. But if I had measured  I would have known to take the door off the hinges and saved myself about a half hour of aggravation. When you move into a place you have a clean slate. Your neighbors huddle in their yards staring at this new person they don't get know and try to get a feel for them based on how they move in. The impression I gave off is I do things on my own and that the words fuck and goddamit come out of my mouth a lot. Unapologetically at that. My dad and a friend of mine both helped me move in. I generally am very bad at help. Asking for it, acce...
Post a Comment
Read more

You are not alone, I promise. Or Never Give Up Hope. Ever.

"There will be days when you are defeated by your laces and the looks of people are all condescending....there's more than one way out and if at the end of the day you're at the end of your rope, never give up hope. A new day will follow there's always tomorrow." -Andy Karl You're in bed and it's a new day. What kind of day is it? Perhaps one of: Those days when you're sitting in your room and you see the sun shining brightly, the birds making their "it's spring guys" noises and the kids in your neighborhood outside (remember that) playing on bikes and shooting hoops and it all just annoys the ever loving shit out of you. Those days when you don't have to work but you're still up at the crack of dawn ready to conquer nothing and just embrace the silence of a day when you kind of feel in control but know that there's something around the corner waiting to shit on your head. Those days when you have ten unread texts on ...
Post a Comment
Read more

One Foot In Front Of The Other. Or, I'm Ready For My Closeup Mister DeMille.

"There's only us, there's only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other other road, no other way, no day but today. Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare? There's only now, there's only here. Give in to love or live your life in fear.  No day but today. " -Jonathan Larson I worry about a lot of stuff that I 1-can't control  2- hadn't happened yet and 3-might've happened already. I waste a lot of time and spend a lot of time on things that simply aren't worth it. The quote above is from a show called Rent. My mom took me to see it when it first opened on Broadway . It's the first time in my life that I can recall feeling different than I had before. I love live performances. I love a visual narrative. Broadway presents stories in a way that is optimistic and in the end the weirdo always gets a happy ending. So I can appreciate it. Rent is a show about acceptance and tolerance...
Post a Comment
Read more