My Neurosis

Posts

Don’t Get Up Until You Are Ready. Or, noon is pushing it.

I dream in colors. I dream in red. -Eddie Vedder, sort of There are days where I am ready to tackle the world. Days when I am motivated and ready and pumped up for the mystery of the next moment. The times where I am so crippled inside that I can’t move. Those days happen much too often. I think about it sometimes. What is it that makes me so afraid so much of the time? What is it that’s keeping me back? Lets say you didn’t have anxiety. And lets say that you weren’t stuck in your room hiding from the world because its too taxing to talk to someone else. And lets say that today you weren’t too afraid of the scorn and ridicule and extras that life throws your way, the extras that make normal stuff like buying groceries a chore. But you are. You’re anxious n you’re not ok today. Shit is too much to handle. The weekend is almost over and you can’t take Monday not just yet. But even if it was only Saturday something would be messing with you. Someone understands. Even if you d

Things Will Be Ok. Or, Don’t Click The Little Blue F.

I’m wide awake. I’m not sleeping. If I could I would let it go” -Bono, Bad The Unforgettable Fire 1984 Facebook is fun in the way that you are having fun when your baby nephew is walking on your face. Scrolling through the posts about brunch and weekends and political ideas is not really a nice place to be all the time. But we are lost in it constantly. Sitting in a meeting this morning I noticed pretty much every person buried in their feeds concentrating on the small screens in their hands. It made me miss something but I didn’t know exactly what at the time. Then I started to think. That’s another thing that time has shown me is no fun, thinking. It gives you the chance to see how messed ip things can be or how far behind you are. Did I miss the starting pistol here? Thinking too much gets me down. It eats away at me. Social media feeds that monster too. Sometimes I feel torn in two pieces. Long strips of what used to be me lay on the floor and there I am floati

The Crossover Artist

The Crossover Artist By Armand Muniz Ken Marlow died Saturday afternoon. That was the day he collapsed after the charity softball game between the town councils of Trumbull and Monroe. He was the chair of the town finance committee and prior worked in a brokerage house that went under because of the financial crisis. In his mind, the whole thing was overblown and he was part of the solution. While he worked at Denton Worthington Pitt, his assistant Morgan kept a secret for him. Ken liked to drink. He loved to snort cocaine. He really loved to do both at once. And after the firm went under he did it a lot more. Morgan knew how things usually work out when a bad person gets into a tight spot: you fall upwards. A former partner of the firm who went into politics got him a job in the town clerks office and Ken was set. He used that connection to get Morgan a job at the bank across the street. Appreciation for the job came easy, keeping the secret about round hill road and the

Dreams Can Come True. Or, Just Smile.

"Fairy tales are more than true, not just because they tell us that dragons exist but because they tell us that they can be beaten. " Attributed to Neil Gaiman but truly said by G K Chesterton Lately I've been keeping away from the news. As an empath, I take on a lot of the emotions I encounter and as a neurotic I try to solve all the problems myself. This is a recipe for disaster. I don't know why I do it but that's just me I guess. The news gives me anxiety because it's very often bad news. You have to really look to find the good news. So I don't bother with it anymore. So, instead I write. The following is a piece that I wrote for myself and changed it around some to be for everyone. It's kind of a suggestion for taking things slower and being more encouraging and constructive. I hope it helps people that are going through a tough time. Sometimes things get really overwhelming and it feels like it won't get any better. Sometime

Don't Worry About A Thing. Or, This Might Last Forever.

"Too much like his father is he. Never his mind on where he was, what he was doing. You're wreck less." -Yoda, to Obi Wan. And Luke too. I'm not good at letting things go. To say the least it is a struggle. Most people get one strike. If I really like you then you get a couple changes. But for the most part I am one and done. The problem with this way of thinking is it limits you to a very difficult standard to maintain while at the same time limiting the behavior of others and in return depending on them to do the right things all the time. That last sentence has so many issues in it. The first is expecting anything in the first place. What business do I have expecting anything from anyone else? I'm far from perfect and I have made some pretty hefty mistakes. So what right do I have to expect others to be better than me? Short answer is I don't. Longer answer is a little more complicated. My issues with making mistakes come from when I was a kid. A

One Foot In Front Of The Other. Or, I'm Ready For My Closeup Mister DeMille.

"There's only us, there's only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other other road, no other way, no day but today. Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare? There's only now, there's only here. Give in to love or live your life in fear. No day but today. " -Jonathan Larson I worry about a lot of stuff that I 1-can't control 2- hadn't happened yet and 3-might've happened already. I waste a lot of time and spend a lot of time on things that simply aren't worth it. The quote above is from a show called Rent. My mom took me to see it when it first opened on Broadway . It's the first time in my life that I can recall feeling different than I had before. I love live performances. I love a visual narrative. Broadway presents stories in a way that is optimistic and in the end the weirdo always gets a happy ending. So I can appreciate it. Rent is a show about acceptance and tolerance