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One Foot In Front Of The Other. Or, I'm Ready For My Closeup Mister DeMille.

"There's only us, there's only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other other road, no other way, no day but today. Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare? There's only now, there's only here. Give in to love or live your life in fear.  No day but today. "
-Jonathan Larson

I worry about a lot of stuff that I 1-can't control  2- hadn't happened yet and 3-might've happened already. I waste a lot of time and spend a lot of time on things that simply aren't worth it. The quote above is from a show called Rent. My mom took me to see it when it first opened on Broadway . It's the first time in my life that I can recall feeling different than I had before. I love live performances. I love a visual narrative. Broadway presents stories in a way that is optimistic and in the end the weirdo always gets a happy ending. So I can appreciate it. Rent is a show about acceptance and tolerance and people who are in a shit situation. I love the chance for the weirdos to win. I love things being resolved in two hours and a half. I love that life can have a happy ending and it will all be better tomorrow. But it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes you have to make your happiness and make your moments when you have a pile of pieces to work with. The path of life is scattered with the  pieces of broken dreams. 
Sometimes I feel like I am in that same shit situation only my lights aren't turned off and the bills are paid. I am a prisoner of my mind. I think too much and too long about things that aren't really worth my time. Before finishing this blog I was debating what day I should have given notice at work that I had found a new job. I pondered the idea of resigning on Tuesday or Wednesday so long that Tuesday became Wednesday. I have a lot of decisions that I would love to be able to make again. To be able to go back and rewind the video would be great. But you can't so thinking about it is a waste of time. The answer isn't to go back in time. The answer is to keep pushing forward. That's easy to say and hard to do. Taking life one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other, is key. Don't drink from a firehose my friends. It'll hurt you. The choices of my past and the moments I have experienced have made me who I am. You're inclined to like yourself. Love yourself really. Because if you don't hen who else can? We all waste time. We all worry about the past and think about tomorrow when we should be living for today. That doesn't mean jumping out of a plane and living like it's your last day. That means not wasting time. It's not about being reckless but rather being resourceful. Look at who you are and who you want to be. If you think about it hard enough and take out the extras, remove the personal bias and cognitive dissonance you put on yourself then you might see yourself a little better. Realize you are much closer than you think and more than you think you are. When life hands you a shit sandwich don't eat it; get what you want instead. But don't sit back and live in the past. Be here right now and live no day but today. That's a change that will completely change your life. Be present now. Be aware of what is up now and don't try to anticipate and manipulate the future. It might not come. The only moment you know of is the one you're in now. And every moment is a new choice to make and new moves to take. Regret and stress can kill. Forget them as best you can and seize what's in front of you. The longer I live the more I realize that almost everyone I know is feeling lost and not where they thought they would be. I feel so alone and in reality I am in pretty good company. Almost nobody "has it together", whatever that means, because we all have different definitions of what that looks like. The constant is that the people who live in their failures and faults are doomed to continue failing and faulting. I am sure someone has it all figured out but at this point I am pretty comfortable with myself and my Journey. I see my path and have decided to take it. I am heading for a clear destination and it is clear now. But it will take time. And I'll focus on the steps as they come and not dive in headfirst. 
If things don't work out right away, they will before the curtain comes down. Because this is my Broadway debut. And every night is opening night. 


See you Sunday, matinees are at three. 

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