If nothing else, life has taught me this: always measure. Trying to eye it will never work the way you want it to. Ever. That's just how it is. Apparently that's why they invented the tape measure in the first place. But what do I know I'm just a kid from Trumbull. I'm no philosophical genius. What I do know is I tried to get a huge couch up a flight if stairs about the size of a drain pipe and made it somehow. But if I had measured I would have known to take the door off the hinges and saved myself about a half hour of aggravation. When you move into a place you have a clean slate. Your neighbors huddle in their yards staring at this new person they don't get know and try to get a feel for them based on how they move in. The impression I gave off is I do things on my own and that the words fuck and goddamit come out of my mouth a lot. Unapologetically at that. My dad and a friend of mine both helped me move in. I generally am very bad at help. Asking for it, accepting it, you know the drill. I don't want to be a bother to anyone and therefore try to do stuff on my own. I don't want to be in anyone's way and don't want people in my way. That made me sound like a dick. I promise I'm not ugh. The process went smoothly. I got my stuff in. I set things up in the best way I could with zero planning involved. I was happy, something at the time that was a rarity. That afternoon I sat in my front room in a rocking chair like I was 198 years old but I felt good knowing that I had my own space. This was MySpace. Getting to see my move go smoothly helped me in a huge way. Typically I was a universe is always waiting to kick me in the balls kind of guy at that time. So I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. That kind of behavior is not a party. It puts you in a perpetual limbo and blocks you from being able to truly enjoy things. Imagine if you never ate ice cream because it is always starting to melt and you might get it on your hands. Then you would never have discovered the amazingness that is chocolate chip cookie dough. And really what kind of a life is that? If you're in a relationship for example you waste a lot of time worrying about the time when the person will get fed up with you and leave. Or you worry about them being mad at you all the time. You know what that does, genius? Makes the person get fed up and they leave you. Or they get really mad at you when they weren't. Try enjoying times together. It feels good. Getting lost in the feeling of being happy is a good thing. Fortifying yourself in the anxiety of the moments eventual end isn't. It's like being in a tent with a leak in it but instead of rain seeping through it's really the oil from a tuna fish can (Or the rain in New Jersey). Camping sucks to begin with: now imagine having fish oil falling on your head.
Traditionally you're supposed to celebrate the first night in your place. I didn't. I watched a movie and ate stouffers mac and cheese. In a rocking chair. And I don't know why. Again I was waiting for the issue to come. Like a boogeyman or something. Imagine that scene. Sitting up in a chair waiting for the bad bad news hose to splash me in the face. It never did. But there I sat watching The Shawshank Redemption on Blu Ray waiting for the end of the world. You're probably asking why I would watch a prison drama the first night in my new place. Wasn't I starting my newest version of freedom for myself? Well, as I've heard said, there is more than one type of prison. Mine was attached to my shoulders and neck. And it's covered in hair. My world was just starting to start though. That's a recurring problem in my life. The fear of not knowing the future. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not a soothsayer and don't know the future yet. But back then I was apt to sit and wait out the end of the world out of complete fear of its impending arrival. So much wasted time and energy. So much fun missed for nothing. But now I know better. I know not to anticipate or speculate and instead experience and appreciate. I know that there is a lot to be thankful for and that things are going to suck sometimes. And when they do, well, you roll with it. Or at least try to as best you can. And if you fail say fuck it and try again. We never fail to fail as it's the easiest thing to do. The most important thing I learned that night is how many people wished me well. Because that showed me how many people really care about me. I'm not alone in my life. I have a support system and that is a blessing. I have people who are thinking of me. I'm the person who doesn't do his best at keeping that open not them. It's a lesson I would need to be reminded of from time to time but I know it's true (look into your heart Luke you know it to be true).
Living on my own gave me a new freedom. It helped me make mistakes and taught me how to ask for help. How to accept it too. The freedom was from myself. I have learned that. In my life the person who kept me shackled was me. My anxiety sucked but I made it worse for the longest time (oh oh oh oh for the longest time). I made it worse by assuming and dwelling. By waiting for that shoe to drop and assuming I wasn't able to enjoy myself. That's a ridiculous thought. But at the time it didn't seem so ridiculous. Everyone has shit they deal with. Everyone has damage. You're not special and the world doesn't care about your specifically. It's up to you to get from point a to b and nobody is ever going to care about your more than you. But that's ok. It's part of what makes life worthwhile. Because you find yourself and you find the people who have your back and when you do that it makes it feel so worth the trouble. When you look back and see the little Goonie squad you have going, your unofficial "Losers Club" (Stephen King anyone?) it feels pretty good. The harshness of the world only makes the beauty of life that much sweeter. You wake up and say it's not going to suck today because I won't let it. And if it does I'll be stronger for it. So get out of that rocking chair, do the truffle shuffle and enjoy yourselves. There is life outside your apartment and it's passing some of us by. All of us actually. But today is a clean slate.
The sun is up the sky is blue it's beautiful and so are you.
Have a good day everyone.
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