The other day I had lunch with a friend of mine. She was talking about how she feels like she's treading water and swimming in circles all at the same time. Her life doesn't feel like it has purpose and she wants to run away from where she is. I listened to her as she told me her issues and concerns and if I'm being honest I feel a lot of the same things she does. I feel like giving up hope just as she told me she does. I have felt like my life was a rich full fucking waster and that what I do is meaningless. But I also realized that most people seem to feel that way. Everybody hurts and that kind of sucks. I prefer to think that it's a select few but the more I talk to others the more I realize that life just kind of sucks all the time and there are random dashes of pleasure sprinkled in between. As wonderful as that all sounds there is a glimmer of hope. Hope that we shouldn't let go of. Hope that we need to cling to but not in the white knuckled kind of way like driving in the Bronx. Hope keeps you strong. It gives you something to strive for. It makes it so you have a reason to instead of a reason not to. Hope made me write this blog and makes me paint my pictures and makes me write my screenplays and makes me want to do more because doing nothing fucking sucks. Often I retreat into my head and spend time alone in my apartment because I feel like I don't connect with people. When I do that I feel let down by myself. I feel like I missed out and the reality is because I have. If you sit on the sides sometimes it's ok. If you do all the time you're hurting yourself. I'm not a bubble boy. And I can't stay cloistered. When I do that's a safe bet that that is why I feel like shit. I feel regret. I feel guilt. I feel bad. But in a way that's ok. It's my life's way of saying change goddamit. Something isn't right and you need to adjust. When I don't change that's the problem. Feeling bad or empty or alone isn't the problem. Not doing anything about it is. Your hand feels hot over a stove and you move it. Simple. Because being burned feels shitty. And your skin bubbles and it looks fugly. Same thing with emotional pain. Something feels bad or wrong then you probably should get something else going on. We all feel alienated but it begs the question if we are all so isolated why not try to get together? I now the world has ruined tinder and made it a relatively creepy place but that doesn't mean don't try. What's the worse that can happen? A guy from Pelham doesn't like you? A girl from Scarsdale says your picture could be better? Fuck them. Move on. Put yourself out there and take some chances. Be honest with yourself and others. Don't be "real" because that's just code for "I'm a humongous asshole". Be yourself. It's the role you were born to play. And realize that more people than not feel just as alienated isolated and lost as you do. It sucks but it's true. And don't give up because you aren't stupid or weird. You're just you. Someone has issues with that who needs them around? It's really difficult to get to the next step when you keep yourself back at the first one. A big way of doing that is damaging self talk and putting yourself down covertly. When I used tinder I would assume people would not like me because of how they looked compared to how I thought I looked. I assumed that they would see me as basically Shrek with hair or something. And one day I stopped doing that. I haven't met the live of my life but I have people I've become friends with and talk to regularly about various topics. We hang out talk about movies and art and all that fun stuff. Share things about our lives. Enjoy ourselves. Because that's what you want to do at the end of the day. Sometimes you need support from others and a network builds that if it is constructed carefully and honestly. Don't stay in your hobbit hole Bilbo. Get out of the shire for a spell and find that ring. There is life outside my apartment. And for a while it was passing me by. The best advice I can give is to experience it once in a while. You'll see. It's worth the effort and time.
As for meaning, the only way you can get that is when you find your passion and incorporate it into your life. The secret there is it doesn't have to be your job...it can be a hobby or a something you do to relax. We try to identify through work and family because these are typically the most common things we are engaged in or with. Doesn't have to be that way. You identify with one thing: who you are. If you can find something that you love, truly live for , then you can find that meaning. Lose yourself in it but does that mean to stay lost? I don't think it does. It's about balance. Balance the person you are with the things you are responsible for. Allow yourself to be disconnected from your work or your stress. Try to limit the amount of times you are bogged down. And if you can't breathe a little bit. Well maybe more than a little. Otherwise you'll pass out. Find yourself. Don't make it a big thing. Just something you can strive for. When you find it you'll know. Sounds stupid but it's true. And if nothing else, let yourself be you.
Because you're the only expert at that even if it feels like you're not. Remember, you're special just like everyone else. And everybody hurts, sometimes.
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