"There will be days when you are defeated by your laces and the looks of people are all condescending....there's more than one way out and if at the end of the day you're at the end of your rope, never give up hope. A new day will follow there's always tomorrow." -Andy Karl
You're in bed and it's a new day. What kind of day is it? Perhaps one of:
Those days when you're sitting in your room and you see the sun shining brightly, the birds making their "it's spring guys" noises and the kids in your neighborhood outside (remember that) playing on bikes and shooting hoops and it all just annoys the ever loving shit out of you. Those days when you don't have to work but you're still up at the crack of dawn ready to conquer nothing and just embrace the silence of a day when you kind of feel in control but know that there's something around the corner waiting to shit on your head. Those days when you have ten unread texts on your phone all asking you to go out because it's been forever and you feel more alone than you ever did because you don't feel connected to anyone even if they're in the room with you, even if they're hugging you.
Doesn't sound fun does it? Imagine that being how you felt right now reading this. I suspect there are people reading this who might feel that way at least sometimes. Mental illness and those kinds of feelings are addressed at best poorly in society. It's either treated with "oh come on people care! Don't you see it they care!" Or ambivalent misunderstanding and ignorance. Both are equally damaging. When you have someone who feels badly about themselves in a way that translates to anger at sunlight entering their lives there's something a little bit deeper there than "oh they feel badly about themselves". We have to get to a point where we understand the difference between a bad day and chronic depression and crippling anxiety. A bad day ends. A bad day leaves you feeling kind of shitty for a while but you can get lost in something else and it passes. I'm not saying to pamper people. Depression is a black cloud raining down on you. Anxiety is like a monster stalking you. And it's all a huge mess. A mess that is frankly hard to clean. If it wasn't we wouldn't have so many people on therapy regimens and morning pill doses to get you through to lunch. What we don't have is an understanding of where it comes from. I know there are discussions and speculations about it but there's a lot of ambiguity. Treatments are varied in their effectiveness. I know that when I feel bad and am having a hermit day I need to be left alone until I'm ready. I also know that I have people who remind me of how much they care and how worried they are of me. To them I say two things: 1-I don't mean to make you worry and appreciate the support 2-stop telling me how much you care and how worried you are. It's not helping. I don't understand how I feel so telling me how it's making you feel badly surely doesn't make it any better for me.
The majority of people I suspect don't choose to live this way. I can't imagine someone wanting to feel like they have 1000 pounds on them at all times. What I do know however is I regularly talk to people who have a desire to relive this stress and seem lost. Being lost sucks. Google maps can only do so much. Ever try to find something in a new place using your phone while on foot? Not a party. It would be so easy if we had a button that just turned off the anxiety (and no that answer isn't Xanax). But we don't. All we have is the power of our minds. And the ability to think about our situation constructively. When someone tells you something it can be interpreted incorrectly. The same can happen with self talk. Often we beat ourselves up over things like how we feel or how we live our lives. It's not healthy. You can be honest with yourself without being a self-bully. Self-bullying is destructive and can't continue. If you are horrid to yourself how can you expect anyone else not to? You're your own advocate: I've said this before and it's true. The world isn't going to coddle you. It's cold out there but it's also pretty beautiful when you let the curtains open and the sun shines into your room.
Every day is what you make it. You need to live in spite of your anxiety. There are ways to combat it, using things like counting your breaths or some light meditation. Talking to someone trusted is also a help. If you're at the end of your rope and things seem hopeless, you need to talk. Hotline, friend, neighbor whom ever you can get to talk to. It's not as hopeless as it seems and should at the very least be evaluated and pondered with someone else who isn't so connected to the emotions involved. I've been in my own spots and it's helped me. I try so hard not to give up hope. And I say hope with a capital h. Hope is important. Hope is comforting. Don't give up on it even if you feel like you've given up on yourself.
You need you. Try to remember that.
See you Sunday.
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