My Neurosis

"There's only us, there's only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other other road, no other way, no day but today. Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare? There's only now, there's only here. Give in to love or live your life in fear.  No day but today. " -Jonathan Larson I worry about a lot of stuff that I 1-can't control  2- hadn't happened yet and 3-might've happened already. I waste a lot of time and spend a lot of time on things that simply aren't worth it. The quote above is from a show called Rent. My mom took me to see it when it first opened on Broadway . It's the first time in my life that I can recall feeling different than I had before. I love live performances. I love a visual narrative. Broadway presents stories in a way that is optimistic and in the end the weirdo always gets a happy ending. So I can appreciate it. Rent is a show about acceptance and tolerance...

"A relationship is like a shark. It has to keep swimming or it will die. " -Woody Allen Couples in movies are always so cool and kind to each other. You never see the kind of stuff in movies walking down fifth avenue. I highly doubt my friend would hold up cue cards telling our mutual  friends girlfriend how perfect she is while that same mutual friend is in the other room. Wait that sounds like love, actually. Real Love and relationships are much more complicated and ugly and amazing and scary. It's like being on a roller coaster but you can't get off it unless you leave half of your stuff behind. The decision to share your life with someone else is a big one. You have to build a strong foundation upon which your love can be supported. That foundation is grounded in trust and understanding. For example you understand that one of you will always be the noise checker and big killer. In my parents case that is my dad. Everything else is my mom. In my relationsh...

I regularly have trouble sleeping. It's probably the most frustrating thing ever not being able to fall asleep. I've tried camomile teas, melatonin (fuck that shit) zzzzquil, Benadryl, My Pillow and about a zillion other things. I kept a sleep diary and used the iPhone sleep-timer application to try and monitor and catalog my sleep cycle. Nothing has helped. I'm so desperate for a good nights sleep that I'm considering investing money in a huge mallet and just knocking myself unconscious like in a cartoon. I can deal with the brain damage as long as I can get my eight hours. I do a lot of reading about sleep and the negative effects that lack of it has on the body. My eye is twitching as I write this piece a direct consequence of not sleeping. The human body amazes me. The best way to describe it is a bipolar machine. If you care for it there's no better friend you'll have. If not it'll kill you. Literally. Our bodies are constantly trying to maintain a b...

"Seize the day because each one of us is going to one day stop breathing!" -Robin Williams (RIP My Hero) The other day I was watching a video on YouTube because television is dead to me. For reasons that escape me I watched a show about a guy who lives in the Northwest Territories of (oh) Canada 🇨🇦 eh and lives completely off the land. To begin this man is much manlier than any man I've ever seen. He's a trapper and expert builder of shelter and trapping trails. In an emergency I want this dude in my group. I have to say I was shocked at the stuff that he did but I couldn't turn away. In one video he took his trusty Bravo, or skidoo ( a word I had no idea was really a word ) and found a wolverine alive in a trap he'd set. The animals' leg was caught and he , being a trapper, was exceedingly excited about this discovery. He then took care of the animal mended its leg and it scampered of where it now lives in a wilderness-domestic partnership with ...

"I know that this role fits me. I would rather be up dancing than sad against the wall. Who am I to dream of better? Can I be more than just collateral in someone else's battle? Could I be more than just me?" -Nancy Taylor Dating websites are weird. They all say that they can give you the best match (scientifically speaking of course ) to jive with your personality. You just have to answer some questions about yourself and give it the time it takes to find someone. Most of them are free and give you the option to pay to get other features like the ability to see that the person is ignoring your messages or more in depth personality analysis to ensure the person had to remember the things they had made up for the prior questions in the list. Dating is complicated on its own. Meeting people can be a very stressful and intimidating endeavor. There's simple things like where do I go to meet people? If I meet someone at a bar is that a meaningful method or at i aski...

"The waiting is the hardest part. " -Tom Petty  Sometimes it just can't wait. Sometimes you just need to find out something right now. Normally I'm not the type of person who has to answer a text instantly. Usually I can stave off my curiosity long enough to at least reach a traffic light. One hundred fifty bucks isn't something to wave off. I know that much in my life. Apparently I forgot that today. I got pulled over for "unsafe driving " as my phone was in my hand when I was in motion. I wasn't on it and I wasn't texting I was putting it on the seat from in my pocket. But the unmarked police car didn't know that so o got pulled over. I'm going to pay it and get it out of my life as soon as possible because it is just one of those things. But it got me thinking about driving and texting and the need for instant gratification. So dear readers I'm going to tell you a story.  Once upon a much more enlightened time we had c...

"The Best In The World At What I Do." -CM Punk When 2015 became 2016 I made a resolution just like so many others. It wasn't to lose weight or try to stop smoking. I promised myself that I would try something new every month. Not become a yes man with a yes year but rather take one risk or try something that I had always wanted to do. I started out small. Going for a walk in the evenings for January ( yes I know that's stupid to do in winter). Cooking at home in February. Bought a new guitar in march and said I would practice every night like when I was in college and high school. Honestly most of these things have stuck and it feels good to have a new outlook and new stuff to do in my life. The one that really made me feel different was June. That's when I began to paint.  I put this piece together and I haven't been able to stop since. Painting is something I had wanted to try for the longest time (oh oh oh oh for the longest time) but had never...

"You learn a hell of a lot more by listening than you do by speaking. " -Ed Schultz So often I sit by myself as I navigate the world. I look at myself and try to analyze things and actions as they pass. I feel like a spectator on the sidelines of my life in a way. Occasionally I actively participate but mostly I am disengaged and detached. I feel like an extra. Not unlike those strangers you see multiple times and in different places but a stranger nonetheless.  Sitting in Central Park on a humid Saturday morning I talked with my cousin about our lives. She and I have a good relationship and now in our thirties committed to spending time together regularly. We took the opportunity to get together and spent the day in New York. Often I go to the city alone. If I am being honest I'm normally alone. Being alone affords a sense pf comfort and underneath that comfort a blanket of Neurosis and fear of change. Being around people beings with it a sense  of being out i...