My Neurosis

If nothing else, life has taught me this: always measure. Trying to eye it will never work the way you want it to. Ever. That's just how it is. Apparently that's why they invented the tape measure in the first place. But what do I know I'm just a kid from Trumbull. I'm no philosophical genius. What I do know is I tried to get a huge couch up a flight if stairs about the size of a drain pipe and made it somehow. But if I had measured  I would have known to take the door off the hinges and saved myself about a half hour of aggravation. When you move into a place you have a clean slate. Your neighbors huddle in their yards staring at this new person they don't get know and try to get a feel for them based on how they move in. The impression I gave off is I do things on my own and that the words fuck and goddamit come out of my mouth a lot. Unapologetically at that. My dad and a friend of mine both helped me move in. I generally am very bad at help. Asking for it, acce

I'm pretty proud of myself today. So many adult things done. Got an oil change on time, put more than twenty dollars worth of gas in the car. Just an all around great day . I have a hard time being what I would consider a real adult. When in a room of older people I feel like I'm not one of them. People that are in their fifties are the real adults. I'm just essentially an extended junior in high school. I don't know where this comes from but I know I've felt that way for a while. In my life I've generally made most of my decisions based on what I think others want me to do. For the longest time I've lacked the confidence to put real stock in myself and make decisions for me. That's a shitty feeling. And I have nobody to blame for this but myself. I've gotten much better at it within the last few years. But I still don't see myself as a full adult. I still try to fade into the background and don't take an upfront charge very often. I still g

Is it worth risking the monster under the bed to get up and pee at three in the morning? That's a question I tried so hard to answer as a child and found great difficulty in. Because of this I have decided to start a business. I can feel you pulling away from me. Hear me out. What is scarier to a little kid than monsters under the bed? Nothing. Sometimes mom and dad can't get the job done checking out whether or not there's something hiding under there. Or in the closet. Your covers will only protect you so much. You need a professional to check under the bed and in the closet and by your toy box. That's where I come in. In a similar fashion to the  ghostbusters  I will do a thorough inspection of your bedroom area checking for ghosts monsters demons goblins or spirits. Upon satisfactory inspection I will collect payment and be made available for subsequent check in follow ups. If something is found I will dispose of it in the appropriate manner. And last but not least

My First Apartment was on the second floor of a two family house. At that time, I was working as a Financial Advisor (a nice way of saying in perpetual search of a new job) and it was getting around my office that I was looking for a place to live. The folks I worked with at that time were very kind and helpful, putting the word out and offering the try and help me in my search. One morning, a client who I had met with a few times to help with his accounts came into the office to meet with me. (At this point imagine Mr Fredrickson from Up walking towards my desk, cane and all.) Huge glasses, square jaw, about five feet tall. It also doesn't help that without my beard I look like what the kid from Up would look like at 30. So there he is, wearing a sweater on the first day of August, walking my way. Unannounced meetings always carry with them a sense of anxiety. You don't know if the person has an issue or just a question. The market then wasn't great but not terrible so

I've always been drawn to  bad guys much more than Good guys. What is lamer than someone who always follows the rules? It's why batman will always be cooler than superman. Always. And if you disagree well you're just wrong. Someone who has an edge to them seems and feels more round of a character. There's more depth. People who wear the white hat and do what's right fall flat to me. I'm not saying being a good person is bad. I'm saying that if you never cross the line every so often from Boy Scout to a little bastard you're probably boring. We're drawn to that dark side.  You see it in movies television shows and all other parts of the media. You even see it in politics. Trump got elected partially because he spoke his mind and was unfiltered. To be politically correct is seen as weakness. And when he speaks, at least at that time, he seems to mean what he says. Who is the coolest person in the galaxy? The answer is Darth Vader. No other answer. Th

I have always been a huge fan of Michael Keaton.  Beetlejuice , Batman, Birdman. All the b movies (get it?!?). When I was younger he was my favorite actor. Now that he's made a comeback into movies I'm pretty excited. His background is pretty interesting. His real name is Michael Douglas and he's from Pittsburgh. He changed his name to Keaton because Diane Keaton was really popular at the time and he didn't want to get confused with Michael Douglas, house husband of Catherine Zeta Jones. His first job in show business was as a puppeteer on Mister Rogers Neighborhood. That is awesome for a couple of reasons. First of all it's awesome to have worked with Mr Rogers. The man taught me how to be polite. That's #amazingness. Secondly I think it's a great sign of dedication to ones craft. Keaton wanted to be in show business so much that he took a backstage job to learn. He started at square one and worked his way up.  These days it feels like a lot of people don

When I was a kid I thought I was going to be a doctor. Then I watched the movie Look Who's Talking  saw the scene where Kirstie Alley has her baby and that ended that. I was about six and my mind was very easily changed. From that point on I started to make a lot of choices that I questioned. In kindergarten we had a bear that each of us would take for a week and care for. When the week was over we would give him (the bear was male, I peeked between his legs) something to remember us by like a hand colored picture or a leaf from the yard. The school year went by and I never got my chance to take care of the bear. When June approached and I being fully aware that there wasn't a whole week left asked my teacher, a wonderful man who I think of to this day, why I didn't get a chance his answer was simple: because you get to take him for the entire summer Armand. Now, most kids would see this as a huge opportunity and something to be excited about. I get to watch this bear all

I've always loved hard rock and heavy metal. One of my favorites is Judas Priest. The twin guitar attack of Glenn Tipton and KK Downing is about as bad ass as it gets. But then something happened. Kk retired. And things just aren't the same anymore in my world. While sitting in a bar a few days ago a program (ugh I sound like my grandfather) came on about celebrities who golf. Included in it were childhood heroes of mine Alice Cooper and KK. Seeing that kk was no longer in priest because he'd rather be golfing in California pretty much killed me inside. I (literally) yelled at the television. Why would you want to do that and not tour?! I yelled. The answer now that I'm calm is simple: it's what he wanted to do so mind your own fucking business Armand. By the way it's not 1986 anymore so stop worrying about what Judas fucking Priest is up to anyway. But I do because reasons. It was so upsetting to me to see the price of darkness Alice Cooper teeing off into the

Today I had Taco Bell. That's the most polite way to say I have diarrhea now. Every time I eat there I feel like absolute shit. It makes me cranky and I just don't want to do anything after that. But still I go on average twice a month. Why? Because in a weird way it's comforting. I know two things when I eat there. 1-I have to be very very comfortable with the person I'm with and 2- it has to be the drive up. Number one is usually because a number two isn't far behind. Number two also is because a number two isn't far behind but also because going there isn't the proudest moment of my day. But again why go if it isn't good for me? There are a few theories. One is that I'm an idiot. Highly probable but I think there's more to this. When I get stressed I eat or spend money. Look at my drawer of wallets or my room of comics and action figures for all the proof you need.  But above that I think there's a comfort that is present in crap food

I need to lose weight. Spoiler alert: I already know that. I was at peak physicality at like ten. I could run for days. I never did and hated to run so I hardly did but I knew that I could. Nothing ever seemed that important enough to run to. Or from for that matter. The big scary dog up the street that looked like a wolf from hell? Just stay away from him and you'll be alright. Why hassle yourself with running? He's just going to chase you anyway. Playing soccer and baseball required running and in that arena (not literally mind you, I'm no mega athlete here) it seemed sensible. Whether I played on the "Detroit Tigers " or the Wildcats I saw the value in hustle. You had a goal and that was to win against those kids from the other elementary schools you didn't go to. Why? Because they don't go to your school obviously! So screw then! If they were any good they'd go to Tashua like you did (yes that pretentious sounding word was my elementary school and

Whenever I watch Game of Thrones I am always distracted by the fact that everything is filthy. The kings ass is crusted with shit. Constantly. Chamber pots line his bedroom and the thought makes me uneasy. I obviously can't put myself into that time period regardless of how many times I watch Lord of the Rings or go to the occasional renaissance fair and overindulge in mead. But still the thought persists: how can they not smell how bad they smell? He's a king. Does he have serfs wipe him? Pirates too. They're even dirtier and take pride in it. Why is it called a poop deck? Is that where they clean up? With all the rum you know a mess is not far behind. Details like that never escape me. When I was a kid I was the one who asked why the group in a scary movie always breaks up into pairs. If they stayed together they could outnumber the killer and they'd be fine. Hitchcock famously said that if the woman didn't go into the haunted house where the killer was waiting th

I'm in my early thirties. I read that qualifies as being an adult. I'm not totally convinced in my case but science is science. As I've gotten older I've consistently felt as if my age has not correlated with my maturity. I don't mean that as people probably expect. Full and fair disclosure: I still find it funny when someone farts in public and giggle when my change includes 69 cents. I text words that double as dirty to my best friend like manhole or pea pod. And I still pretend Santa comes even though I know he's real. But I digress. The longer time passes the more I realize I don't know. All that crap I learned in high school about mitosis or prime numbers has all but evaporated. But I did learn other important stuff. Like who I can count on. Especially when things are tough. Or that sometimes it's more important to be civil than to be right. As I meander though this big old world I know that when I see someone who is like fifty that's an adult.

It was cloudy on my birthday so of course that means I'm going to die soon. 32 is old after all. Everything is an omen and it all means something dire. For s second though,Let's say that I was a positive person. And let's say that I had an idea of how not to worry. That would be the tops. I think back to when I was a kid trying to organize anything in my room that was numbered. It had to be chronological and complete. Books. Records. Tapes. Toys. Anything. And if something was out of place who the hell knows what would have happened to my little world. It extended into my teens. Did you know I haven't listened to Aerosmith Rocks or AC/DC back in black or Ozzy Osborne The Ultimate Sin because my three car accidents (none serious) occurred while those albums rested snugly in my car stereos. Why would I stop myself from listening to them? The same reason I tore up the shirt I was wearing when I failed my driving test the first time or the red wrist tie I wore during baseba