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It was cloudy on my birthday so of course that means I'm going to die. Or assumptions aren't a party.

It was cloudy on my birthday so of course that means I'm going to die soon. 32 is old after all. Everything is an omen and it all means something dire. For s second though,Let's say that I was a positive person. And let's say that I had an idea of how not to worry. That would be the tops. I think back to when I was a kid trying to organize anything in my room that was numbered. It had to be chronological and complete. Books. Records. Tapes. Toys. Anything. And if something was out of place who the hell knows what would have happened to my little world. It extended into my teens. Did you know I haven't listened to Aerosmith Rocks or AC/DC back in black or Ozzy Osborne The Ultimate Sin because my three car accidents (none serious) occurred while those albums rested snugly in my car stereos. Why would I stop myself from listening to them? The same reason I tore up the shirt I was wearing when I failed my driving test the first time or the red wrist tie I wore during baseball the day I cost Tom Boudreaux a no hitter dropping an infield fly. But I don't know how to not be a neurotic mess. It's my nature. I try not to. And then when I ask people how they get around their feelings it's inevitable that I get someone saying to me quite succinctly and I quote stop putting so much pressure on yourself.

That's great fucking advice except one part.......





I don't fucking know how. If I did I assume I wouldn't have this issue. But I could be wrong. Thing is I'm not. Trying to be positive is difficult especially when you have a lot of things that happen and seem to get in the way. Focus is hard too. Feeling pulled in a million directions is tough. Stress kills. That in and of itself should be enough. But it isn't. In s weird way it almost feels like that kind of emotional duress is attracted to us. I think it's based in anger. anger is the most extreme feeling of fear that exists. It's tied to the level at which you value something hence people you care about being able to hurt you more than some dickhead at Whole Foods can typically unless you're my uncle Albert. In that case it's everyone for themselves and a free for all. If you're on the receiving end I'm sorry and I'll alert your family accordingly. For me I can honestly say that I don't understand how I feel. Emotionally speaking I'm confused most of the time. And the confusion is only compounded when I ask for advice. I never feel like I know what I'm doing. But maybe that's the point. Answers don't seem to matter much anymore. It's about the journey not the destination and all that jazz. After 32 years I finally get what that means. Never did before. But that doesn't make me no expert or nothing. To the contrary I'm always trying to learn and learning to try. So maybe I'm not so fucked it after all. Maybe I'll be ok. All the therapy and the books and the talks and the reflection has paid off! Yes!

Unless it rains tomorrow.



Then I'm fucked.


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