"Oh look at how she listens. She says nothing of what she thinks just goes stumbling through her memories staring out onto grey street. And she think: How did I come to this, dreamed myself a million times around the world. I can't get out of this place. "
- Dave Matthews, Grey Street
In my early twenties I had a serious relationship that I ended. Poorly. At best it was done in an awful way. I touched all the stereotypical notes: stopped communicating effectively , blamed them for things that weren't their fault, was much more distant than I normally would have been. In a shocking twist, we stopped talking altogether and lost touch for an extended period of time. During the time apart I shouldered a heavy amount of guilt over my actions. I became obsessed with the ideas of forgiveness and redemption and tried to go out of my way to show the person ( and everyone elsw) how sorry I was and how damaged I became as a result of my actions. In my mind I thought showing others how much of a mess I was now would somehow atone for the fact that I hurt someone I cared about. When this didn't work, instead of getting over it and moving forward I took got an apartment on the corner of Guilt Street and Wallow Avenue. The cross I bore was heavy. And it was completely unnecessary. The only person I was hurting was myself and the arrogance and Narciscim displayed looking back makes me gag. Everyone I know who likes Disney loves Eeyore. Nobody likes a real life Eeyore. On screen, he's a sympathetic character. In real life he's fucking annoying. We all have an Eeyore in our lives. Eeyore sits there in misery, bringing the room down with their doleful array of negative observations about wonderful things like sunburn or solids in the water. New job? The grass isn't always greener. Met someone at a bar? Don't you know those things never last? If not, Eeyore will tell you! Our closed minded friends can be toxic. Take what they say with a grain of salt. Or sugar. Or tequila. Whatever gets you through the night is all right.
Eventually I was able to open myself back up and let go of the guilt but it took some time and some heavy reflection. I made a promise to myself that I would think a little harder and not take on so much all at once. Again it took some time and effort on my part.
I'm always quick to take the blame for almost anything that happens. Global warming? Sorry about that. The default of high yield municipal debt in Puerto Rico? My bad. It's been a real issue for me my entire life. The truth about martyrdom is an extreme case of selfishness and narcissism. The ability to believe that you affect the world around you in such a colossal way is kind of crazy when you think about it. You're just one person. You can only do so much for so long. You're not rocking the foundations of the folks around you trust me. Incidental things will cause momentary discomfort. You're not changing DNA here. Similarly you also aren't responsible for the actions of others. If you hurt someone the appropriate response is to apologize (and mean it) and show the person you meant it by not doing that same thing again. It is up to them to accept the apology (or in my case apologies) and move forward. If they choose to not move on, that isn't your fault. It's not your job to get them to point b. This can be hard to comprehend and accept but it's true.
Ultimately, the only thing that we can control is the way that we react to situations and events. We can't control things that happen and we can't control how others react. So many people think we can but, sorry peeps, you can't. You can be part of the reason things happen but if someone reacts, their actions are on them. That's just how life works. People love to blame others for things that happen. Blaming others, as we have covered in the past, leads to an explanation and that explanation typically rests on the laurels of it not being me but rather being them. I can't be lonely because I am always home alone it's because others don't like me. No, ass, it's because the world isn't sitting there waiting for you to come out of your hole like Punxsutawney Phil to tell us that there's three to five hours of Armand to enjoy tonight! To the contrary, nobody is looking for or waiting for you. And if there is someone that's on them. Here's one that's hard to take: If someone is treating you like shit, and you let them and stick around, that's on you. Are they an asshole? Absolutely. Do you deserve that treatment? I don't think anyone does, no. But is there anyone forcing you to be there? I doubt it. (Unless of course there is and in that case getting help from a crisis intervention group or look for abuse support is essential because nobody deserves to be hurt or forced). But if it's run of the mill relationship stuff or a typical jerk situation, get out of there! Easier said than done I know but think of self preservation! There was a time when I would take any kind of attention as long as it was attention on me. Positive,negative, whatever I could get. And then I met someone who "got me" and it went well for a good while until it didn't anymore and then I had to move on and use what I had learned to improve for next time. But I didn't wallow. And I don't blame myself for the decisions of others. I'm part of the situation but I'm not the one to blame for actions. There's nobody to "blame". You'll talk to a friend after a break up and they'll pump you so full of "he's such a piece of shit, fuck him!" Or "Oh who needs that bitch you're so much better off its all her fault blah blah blahhhh". They're trying to be helpful but if you follow that line of logic you're steering yourself down a tough road. Blaming others for what we choose to do doesn't help us. What helps us is taking stock in ourselves , giving ourselves the respect and confidence it takes to look at what happened and push forward. It's a learning experience, as our parents often told us. And they're right. Failure builds character if the failure is used to build upon constructively. If it's used to become angry and bitter then forget it pal: You've missed the point. This isn't a dress rehearsal but we do have the benefits of the occasional soft reboot. You just have to take the steps to get there because unfortunately nobody is going to do it for you. But then again, like my friend Eeyore said, reboots are never as good as the original.
Thanks for noticing me. See you Sunday.
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