"On the road of experience trying to find my own way. Sometimes I wish that I could fly away...I'm just looking for space and to find out who I am."
- John Denver
Sometimes I feel optimistic about the world and life and things going on around me. I look at the sky and the sun and the trees and see a glimmer of hope ringing through as if dancing on the wind. Not unlike music in the distance getting stronger as you approach, Hope builds. Walking through the woods to get the ideas I need for my art is how I get back to my center. I long for quiet. Quiet or more appropriately titled silence is the basis of creativity. A blank canvas, a silent music studio: these are where creation is born.
During those times when I look out my window and I see the colors and the sounds of the neighborhood and they sound like scratches on a chalkboard (remember those) that is where the silence and finding my center are essential. Shitty days kick my ass. Not saying that they don't beat on others, just saying I have a hard time dealing. Today was one of those days. I sat down to start writing a piece about how the world gives us much more than we know and appreciate and I immediately called bullshit on myself. I went to paint to try and ease my mind and what I did, to me, looks like absolute garbage. I won't even post it. I wanted to throw it across the room and then follow it and put my foot through it. Sometimes I have one of those days, whatever that means, and when I do it usually doesn't end well. A part of my life that is not a party is the social anxiety I wrestle with. I'm not good in a large crowd. I have a hard time going to a party. I, like the forty million other Americans who have social anxiety, feel alone and want to meet new people but have something in me that stops me from allowing myself to be open and meet new people. As I've written about in the past, Anxiety is met with a strange range (rhymin simon) of reactions from oversimplification (he's just sensitive) to complete misunderstanding (man up). Anxious people exhibit some qualities and behaviors that people who don't have anxiety may not understand. Ill use myself as an example. Sometimes I need to get away from everyone and everything. Your invitation to dinner sounds fun but honestly I just can't. Sitting down and going through the normal back and forth of simple conversation is too much. It's not you, it's me I swear. I need to be still and be quiet and get myself back tot he point where things aren't going so fast. I can't always explain or express why it happens but I can do my best to describe what I feel inside when it hits:
My chest feels heavy and my breathing gets faster and more shallow. I try to think and nothing happens because all my thoughts are going around in circles. Part of my brain is trying to keep the rest of it level and calm but mostly I have a fog over me. It literally feels like I'm carrying a huge back of stuff on my shoulders and I'm not able to put it down. So it's just easier to lay on my couch and wait it out. Sometimes I am ok after a few minutes other times I am done for the night.
(Fair warning to the people who were looking for me today today was not a few minutes day)
The worst feeling is that it seems like nobody understands. People offer support and kindness but it gets lost in between comments about how good you have it and how we need to focus on more positive things.
No shit.
We get it.
But things don't feel good so saying stuff like that isn't helpful.
Sometimes, when I have a bad day and I am telling someone about it, I don't want to hear a life lesson. Sometimes when I tell you how Gern Blansten at work is an asshole I just need you to say "wow he sounds like an asshole", not how I can better take charge of the situation and try to create an ally from what I perceive to be an enemy. It's the same with dealing with an anxious person. There's a good chance that 1-they realize what they feel doesn't quite make sense and 2- they can't understand how they feel either. Asking what is wrong ten times or saying to calm down ( if you do that, you're kind of an asshole like Gern) is not the course to take. People love to take time to orate and teach us things. Education is awesome. Helping is awesome. But learn to pick your spots. Listening to someone who is in need is a lot more valuable and helpful than throwing a litany of platitudes and lines from pop psychology at them. In my case, I'm not trying to be a dick. I'm just lost and need to look for some space. I'm looking to find out who I am and understand what it is I am feeling. There are days when I am low. Most days I am not. For those who suffer with anxiety don't make it seem like those days that they are low are too many or like they're wrong for feeling how they feel. It only makes things worse. If I need to be away from the world for a while then be supportive by letting me go. I'll be back when I am ready. Hope isn't always easy to find. When you're on the couch tucked into the cushion as if its growing from your hips this is kind of obvious. Sometimes I think it's easier to turn off and collect myself. Building on the Chris Rock no phone experiment (which Dimitri Martin also used when I recently saw him by the way) putting the thing away helps. No reminders of what "normal " looks like. No bels reminding me that people are worried about me. When things finally stand still I can regroup and move forward. It is easy to get lost in the sadness and the empty feelings that come in life. Crap days feel like years when you have a hole in you that can't be filled. Add to that a feeling of loneliness combined with the inability to connect to people even when you try to. Who can blame you for running off to the woods (or the couch you pretend is outside) for a little while? Sometimes it's all too much and a break is essential. I'm not trying to hurt anyone. Just trying to be ok.
Again I'm just looking for space. John Denver got it, why can't everyone else?
See you Sunday. Share this with someone who you think might need to feel not so alone. And listen to Looking for Space by John Denver. He gets it I promise.
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